Why I'm Fat

Argue it (my vanity would love you forever) or agree with it, i'm plenty overweight. No, this hasn't been a recent epiphany or a cause for any drastic, life altering decisions; it's just a fact. I've had my 30lbs ups and downs, taken full advantage (my 'glory' football days), and been taken full advantage of because of it - yet the fact remains; and I've done hardly anything to change.
Thanks to my beautiful, wise, and fashion forward mom, I have learned to dress quite complimentary to my body type; and to my college roommates and YouTube, i'm not too shabby at the hair and makeup to bring the whole look together. For these reasons, I've justified my perpetual size 18, double chin cladding, peasant blouse wearing-but fooling no one- self into staying relatively the same size for the last decade. I've become so accustomed to the way I am that I shy away from any activity that doesn't involve an end zone or bases, that I've missed out on a great deal of beauty and memories. And I think I've finally realized why.
Over Christmas break, one of my best friends was talking about a book she read titled, 'Why Christian Women Are Fat'. She briefly explained that in the book, the authoress talks about our longing for love, comfort, pleasure, fulfillment, etc., which we are supposed to receive from The Lord, but often seek in food. I haven't really thought about it a whole lot, actually, the entire time she talked about it I was mentally noting my frustrations with her because homegirl is far from fat. She's a beautiful, witty mother of 2! Nonetheless, what she said planted itself in the back of my mind and resurfaced tonight after a talk on surrender and unification of our will's to God's.  It surfaced almost instantly, but in the most healthy way. I've learned a lot this year, about healing and deliverance, only recently did I learn about influence introspection can have on you. Trying to dig up old wounds and hurts can do a lot of harm if not done 'correctly'. I did a lot of digging, and got myself into a deep, deep hole...but that's for another time. Back to my most recent revelation.
Being fat or even the idea of being fat only as the power you give it...and I gave it a lot of power. I let it keep me from doing a lot of things that bring me great joy: going dancing, giving and receiving hugs (because people would touch me and feel the rolls and lumps), going shopping with my friends (because...obviously), going out to eat (because why would I get what I really want...a burger...when I should probably get a salad 'cause i'm the biggest person at the table), going on hikes and adventures in the beautiful northern Arizona country (because I won't be able to breathe and I'd die or be really embarrassed which is basically the same thing), etc. All of which is very sad. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't. Either way, let this be the last time we let ourselves be pitied. 
Christ is Victor. I will be a victim no longer. 
Sure, people have yelled terrible things to me as i've walked across the street, laughed at me as i'v fallen in my collegiate PE class (hurdles aren't for the top heavy), and graciously - or not - told me they probably didn't have anything for me in their store. So what? I have the power to hold onto that and I have the power to let it go. 
I have the power to let Jesus do what He came here to do: Love me at my worst. We choose to be the victim in one way or another. People do things to us, we can do them to ourselves, circumstances can arise, but I have the power to be victorious because I proclaim Jesus as Lord. Either Jesus runs our lives, or we are manipulated into running them into the ground. Of ourselves, our lives are necessarily out of control. Jesus is the only name by which we can have hope, but He is the only hope we need. Only by His life, death, and resurrection will we escape being victimized and have eternal life. 
So, you see, we can old onto these things and self pity, or we can be confident in who we are and move on.Until this clicked for me - in these exact terms - nothing worked. I even lost a pound a day, and 10 after on Advocare's 24 day challenge...2 years later, back to my old habits and my old weight. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I did it so I could wear what everyone else was wearing, so guys would want me in all the wrong ways, so my face would get more likes on instagram than a picture of a baby monkey (dang those cute little creatures). 
I was holding onto my weight as an excuse when I failed, when I was #foreveralone, when I was sad. I wasn't letting it go so I could be who I was meant to be. To be fully alive. To be the greatest version of myself. I don't have to be thin to be these things, I might never be thin. But, I do have the will power now to be healthy. To be in control of my physical life. To not cower inside on a beautiful day. To not long for cold weather so I can finally hide in jeans and hoodies. I have the power to be FREE! I have a long road ahead, God willing, and just as any other comfort keeping us from greatness, I will need help to be rid of it! Thus, this blog. Help me to help myself! Pray for me, encourage me, and check in on me if moved to do so. If you need a change, tell someone about it. But do it to glorify God, who created us to do so by our very lives. 
Live in receiving at every moment, accepting all you've done and been through to be where you are right now because God is, at every moment, throwing grace at you wanting you to be loved. LET HIM LOVE YOU but never get comfortable. With comfort comes complacency and we were made for GREATNESS. 
Amen? Good.